Years ago, for some years I had an escapist wish … to retreat from life.
Andreea lives in Cluj and is immersed in a life she is creating there on her own. While her intentions, which I experience as sincere, are to be a part of Bhudeva, her actions put her somewhere else.
So , for the most part, I am physically alone.
It is winter, and money is in short supply.
There are two incomes streams in the life I made with Andreea here in Romania. One is Cutia Taranului, which is practically dormant in winter (though this year there is a trickle, which is more than last year). There is also much less need for money in winter months at Bhudeva. The other is Andreea’s work … clinic, births, teaching, etc. That stream is, for the time being, not flowing into Bhudeva and being consumed by Andreea in the city.
In the last 2 years we’ve witnessed a precious change … our income streams covered our expenses (not withstanding sudden, large and unplanned expenses). Andreea’s departure from Bhudeva has set that process back … so though there is money in the bank, I am trying to live frugally so as to gravitate back to income covering expenses.
There are things I’d like to start doing (building a woodshed, reconnecting the hot water solar panel and building an insulated cover for nights so that I can start using it earlier in the sesason) which need a little money … but money is not available now. I can chop fire-wood, build some small things with wood that is stored, etc … but I am limited in what I can do outside.
So I spend more time inside.
Creating online is a tricky form of expression. I always have ongoing WordPress related work to do, mostly coding. There is also always potential to improve the information system that drives Cutia Taranului (all coding).
On the one hand it doesn’t cost me money to work online. On the other hand I don’t really enjoy doing it (coding). To be able to do it I need an inspiring and vital context that overcomes my objection to coding.
But, our internet connectivity is poor. And though I code on a computer server at home I depend on online reference resources – especially since I am in a constant learning curve (because I don’t code much). So when internet connectivity is interrupted or unpredictable (as it often is), so is my flow of work (which is already not smooth to begin with). So at best it is disruptive work which I have, for many months, tended to avoid.
My motivation to write is also diminished (due to other factors) though slowly re-awakening, but the poor connectivity doesn’t help that either. As I write these words there is a worried voice in the back of my mind thinking about copying this text to a local file for backup … because who knows what the connectivity will be like when I click save or publish
So, no online creating.
I am left with a day that is built around preparing myself for practice (feeding myself, resting, recurring chores … fire-for-warmth related tasks, animals, humanure, etc.) and practicing.
When the days were winter-short this was easy … as it practically filled the days. But now as the days grow long again, I awake earlier and there is more wanting-to-do coming to the surface … and more time.
… is a surprising twist in this period of my life, her visits here disrupt my retreat (though we are both consciously nourishing a core stability that I don’t want to disrupt and she wants to partake in) … and soon me visiting her will bring new information and vibrations into the mix … both leaving my solitary retreat and immersing myself in her rich and diverse world.
I feel that retreat is part of my nature … almost a defining quality of who I am … though I also feel that something is missing for a complete manifestation … the quality of me in retreat shines forth outside of retreat … when I am with others …
I wonder, though, about the nature of the place I have arrived at …
is it balanced?
does if nourish me or does it limit me?
will it be a long term quality or a temporary transition?
I feel I am at a junction of consciousness. I have a yearning to partake in and act in the world, yet at the present am very limited in my ability to do so.
Is the present a dysfunctional manifestation of my longstanding wish?
Is it protecting me?
Is it preparing me for things to come?
One thing is clear … retreat has manifested.