There seems to be a recurring pattern in a kind of energy cycle that I occassionaly to through.
The day before yesterday a heaviness and boredom set in me. I felt tired and unmotivated to do anything … to be. I didn’te’t fight it. I stayed with it and witnessed it … I waited to see if there is anything that wants to be. I wondered if some movement outside would do me good so I cut some wood and it was ok but the slightly refreshng effect didn’t last long. It was primarily an emotional experience.
Then yesterday it became physical. I spent most of the day with a slight-enough-to-annoy headache coming from somewhere in my right temple. It came with a general sense of agitation and restlesness. The overall sensation was of an unpleasant experience inhabiting my own body. That triggers an old emotional pattern – wanting to die. It leads to an ironically integrative emotional experience. On the one hand this emotional voice “wanting to die” and on the other hand a seemingly sober second voice that knows the temporariness of the first voice. Still I feel I need to live witin a delicate balance on such days. A downward emotional spiral can be triggered.
I woke up in the early hours of this morning with my right temple throbbing. It required what seemed liked a long period of time to be able to contain not just the pain but the impulses to act wrongly on it. Eventually I found sleep again and woke up later feeling better … even refreshed. Refreshed enough to write!I can speculate about what triggers this but I can’t really know. I sometimes wonder it the trigger comes from my own life. I do know that it is a recurring pattern. It is an unpleasant experience and yet it feels, especially in retrospect like a cleansing. As if a subtle disturbance finds its way out of my energy system. It almost always occupies that same time frame (three days from disturbance to clarity). It can take on different physical manifestations – a backache, a headache, lack of appetitate or digestive disturbance … but it always finds a physical way out.