“Then what do you depend on? My own internal reactions. I read myself, not the person in front of me. I always know a lie because I want to turn my back on the liar.”
Frank Herbert

Chapter House Dune

I am special


I am special
that thought was with me when I got off the mat this morning
it was softly present
and in the background there was another softly present lurking thought
that it is wrong to think so
as if it is un-humble, arrogant, self centered

I think that’s a remnant from an old and established story
I remember a kind of unofficial conflict inside me
I was never really competitive
I could never bring myself to sincerely play a sport like basketball …. forcing myself past others to get a ball in a hoop
it wasn’t in my nature
yet I was in many ways assessed and measured and compared to others
so for me to be good meant being better than others
the highest grades …  the most appealing resume … the highest salary
for me to be special I had to be able to do thing differently than others
it was never just me, it was always in comparison
and since there are only so many jobs available
and only so much money available
for me to be good had to come at the expense of others
that made me judgmental toward myself and others
to assess and be assessed

through endless clues and cues
I came to believe that being good or special is something achieved, something earned
I had to prove to myself, to my father, to my bosses, to my partners that I was good
by achieving good, by doing good, by doing better than others
by others being lesser

for a while I succeeded … at least partially …
but it was too heavey a burden to carry
and when I realized I was carrying it I could’t figure out why
fortunately carrying it is heavy and tiring …
so I got tired

and the more tired I get
the more just me I become
me that doesn’t do anything
me that doesn’t achieve anything
me that doesn’t succeed or fail
me that is special just because … I am

even now a part of me is tempted to tell you why I am special
that I am special because of this or that
but I am not special because of anything
I am special
not more than, not less than
not like anyone else
not like you
because you too are special

it is a fact of nature
if a snowflake is a recording of its journey from cloud to earth
then can you and I be anything but special?
we are of parents and siblings and friends and foes
we are of cultures
we are of climate
we are of sights and sounds
we are of ideas
we are of emotions
we are of food and starvation
we are of touch
we are of so much that it is impossible for us to be anything but unique and special

I am special
because a heart beats inside me
and breath flows through me
and eternity lives throughout me

I am gradually leaving a discomfort that arose from trying to be special
and gradually getting comfortable in being … well … special


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