“One day I found out that personal history was no longer necessary for me and, like drinking, I dropped it… Little by little you must create a fog around yourself; you must erase everything around you until nothing can be taken for granted, until nothing is any longer for sure, or real. Your problem now is that you’re too real. Your endeavors are too real, your moods are too real. Don’t take things so for granted. You must begin to erase yourself.”
Carlos Castaneda

Journey to Ixtlan

Retreat Manifested

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Years ago, for some years I had an escapist wish … to retreat from life.

Andreea

Andreea lives in Cluj and is immersed in a life she is creating there on her own.  While her intentions, which I experience as sincere, are to be a part of Bhudeva, her actions put her somewhere else.

So , for the most part, I am physically alone.

Money

It is winter, and money is in short supply.

There are two incomes streams in the life I made with Andreea here in Romania. One is Cutia Taranului, which is practically dormant in winter (though this year there is a trickle, which is more than last year). There is also much less need for money in winter months at Bhudeva. The other is Andreea’s work … clinic, births, teaching, etc. That stream is, for the time being, not flowing into Bhudeva and being consumed by Andreea in the city.

In the last 2 years we’ve witnessed a precious change … our income streams covered our expenses (not withstanding sudden, large and unplanned expenses). Andreea’s departure from Bhudeva has set that process back … so though there is money in the bank, I am trying to live frugally so as to gravitate back to income covering expenses.

There are things I’d like to start doing (building a woodshed, reconnecting the hot water solar panel and building an insulated cover for nights so that I can start using it earlier in the sesason) which need a little money … but money is not available now. I can chop fire-wood, build some small things with wood that is stored, etc … but I am limited in what I can do outside.

So I spend more time inside.

Online

Creating online is a tricky form of expression. I always have ongoing WordPress related work to do, mostly coding. There is also always potential to improve the information system that drives Cutia Taranului (all coding).

On the one hand it doesn’t cost me money to work online. On the other hand I don’t really enjoy doing it (coding). To be able to do it I need an inspiring and vital context that overcomes my objection to coding.

But, our internet connectivity is poor. And though I code on a computer server at home I depend on online reference resources – especially since I am in a constant learning curve (because I don’t code much). So when internet connectivity is interrupted or unpredictable (as it often is), so is my flow of work (which is already not smooth to begin with). So at best it is disruptive work which I have, for many months, tended to avoid.

My motivation to write is also diminished (due to other factors) though slowly re-awakening, but the poor connectivity doesn’t help that either. As I write these words there is a worried voice in the back of my mind thinking about copying this text to a local file for backup … because who knows what the connectivity will be like when I click save or publish

So, no online creating.

Yoga

I am left with a day that is built around preparing myself for practice (feeding myself, resting, recurring chores … fire-for-warmth related tasks, animals, humanure, etc.) and practicing.

When the days were winter-short this was easy … as it practically filled the days. But now as the days grow long again, I awake earlier and there is more wanting-to-do coming to the surface … and more time.

Annelieke

… is a surprising twist in this period of my life, her visits here disrupt my retreat (though we are both consciously nourishing a core stability that I don’t want to disrupt and she wants to partake in) … and soon me visiting her will bring new information and vibrations into the mix … both leaving my solitary retreat and immersing myself in her rich and diverse world.

Retreat

I feel that retreat is part of my nature … almost a defining quality of who I am … though I also feel that something is missing for a complete manifestation … the quality of me in retreat shines forth outside of retreat … when I am with others …

I wonder, though, about the nature of the place I have arrived at …
is it balanced?
does if nourish me or does it limit me?
will it be a long term quality or a temporary transition?

I feel I am at a junction of consciousness. I have a yearning to partake in and act in the world, yet at the present am very limited in my ability to do so.
Is the present a dysfunctional manifestation of my longstanding wish?
Is it protecting me?
Is it preparing me for things to come?

One thing is clear … retreat has manifested.

This entry was posted in About, Myself, Yoga, Yoga & I. You are welcome to read 5 comments and to add yours

3 Comments

  1. Bree
    Posted April 16, 2015 at 11:14 pm | Permalink

    I really enjoy reading your thoughts, especially surrounding yoga. I have been walking into the pool of yoga from the shallow end and feel that I am now at the place where my feet no longer touch the bottom, secure floor of the pool. I am hesitant and skeptical that once I push off and start swimming, I will no longer be me, as I am right now. It’s strange, and I’m mostly writing these words to vent, as I really don’t have an expectation of contact… so this would be as close to stream of consciousness as one can get, floaty, unattached non sensical relation of feeling. All that mumbo aside, I have been searching for a clear, unhippified, honest voice to relate the leap of faith associated with the mysticism found in yoga. So many talking heads, so many loud voices telling you to be still, and good, and perfect. <- or is that my own voice? Anyway, the first post I read on this site was about the disconnect between eastern traditional yoga and the western version that is found in yoga studios today. I wanted to thank you for your words, as it gave slight validation to the hesitance I currently feel about being pushed into a better version of me.

    Background: I am a 30 year old, non traditional student returning to college after being in the graphic design industry, from the midwest, USA. I am currently writing a research essay about the mysticism involved in yoga: defining what yoga was traditionally and what it is today, for my ENG class. I am writing this paper to essentially kill-two-birds-with-one-stone, as I am leaving for Peru in June for yoga teacher training.

    Many thanks,
    Bree

    • Posted April 18, 2015 at 6:54 pm | Permalink

      Keep searching Bree … that is practice 🙂 Listen to and be informed but don’t be driven by your hesitation and skepticism. Try, observe, feel … choose. A good teacher will inspire you to move towards something better without judging that which you already are.

      I believe that finding a teacher is one of the most challenging Yoga practices you can take on.

      Two things come to my mind for you: 1) Don’t rush to become a teacher, become a skilled practitioner first; 2) Invest in practice more than in writing or thinking about Yoga … there’s an academic trap out there you would be better off avoiding.

      • Bree
        Posted April 30, 2015 at 9:13 pm | Permalink

        Thank you for the kind and insightful words. I truly see this upcoming adventure to Peru and into YTT as just that, an adventure; an experience. Pragmatism set the markers, but my inner self set the course… I am mostly excited to experience myself, and I knew this before I knew this… it’s weird. Training to teach is something interesting, but deep down I know I am not ready to teach, and I have already decided that when I settle in my new home (moving to Denver, US after Peru for school) I will not teach for awhile. Learning is more beneficial then leading at this point for me, funny that I came to this conclusion after deepening my practice, not the opposite.

        In most ways, and on most days I really only want to play in experience… but I non the less appreciate the response to my brain wonderings 🙂

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