My Bad

Shahar & I once performed in a well known theatre in Jerusalem.  As the performance neared its ending, it was interrupted by sounds & noises from the lobby next door. The noises were intended to signal that we need to come to an end – it was generated by one of the producers who was trying to keep to the schedule (the performance as part of a day-long happening). Shahar’s performance was (as it usually is) intimate and personal and the intrusion (and the disruptive intents carried with it) was a violent and inappropriate intrusion. When we talked later talked about the event,  Shahar felt the intrusion was like a rape.  When you expose yourself the way he does – it’s a risk you take.

The day before yesterday was an unpleasant day for me. I have recently been offering my services in building WordPress based web-sites. I charge a mid-priced fee for this service. I usually do this for either friends or people who then become friends. I choose to work only when I am allowed to care and care is appreciated. On the day before yesterday I was attacked by two such people. I originally intended to share my frustrations in this post, but that would have been a purposeless rant (though one thing remains with me – and warants another post – coming soon). This morning, as distance has come between me and those attacks, I have been able to gain a wider perspective which is more important to me, and apparently substantial enough for me to engage in writing.

Because I understood both of my attackers I invested some effort in listening and talking. I failed in both cases to resolve our differences. The attacks resulted in a wasted day with bad energies and a headache.  I was left with questions like “Why did this happen?”, “What did I do wrong?”, “What could I have done better?”, “Does business have to be like this?”. This is my bad! I knew the questions were irrelevant as they came up, but that did not stop them from appearing.

Shahar teaches and practices a useful (one of many) performance tool. It is about not taking responsibility for an audience’s experience. A performer can only masterfully perform his art knowing that regardless of what actually happens on stage, each person in the audience is in charge (whether conscious of it or not) of his/her own experience (and I have indeed often heard completely opposing opinions & experiences from people in the same performance).

The fact that two people for whom I generously worked with an open heart (that is of course the way I see it!) attacked me for it says nothing about my intentions or actions. It also says  nothing about the results, about them, about me, about  business, about money or about anything else. That is just my emotions & ego and what not trying to resolve an uncomfortable situation by rationalizing it with some bullshit theories that can only lead to bullshit conclusions.

So my conclusion from all this is that there is no conclusion. C’est la vie!