“Tonight in your dreams you must look at your hands.”
Carlos Castaneda

Journey to Ixtlan

Myself – April 2010: Regress


During the period of October 21st 2009 – December 18th 2009 I was home alone while Andreea went to test the waters in Romania with her work. During this period I focused on myself and my practices. I slowly realized a morning ritual which filled my entire morning and would set the pace for the remaining waking hours. I felt good, collected and healthy. Then on December 18th  I flew to Romania to join Andreea for the remainder of her visit which coincided with the holiday season there. It took me time to regain a sense of center and peace after that – and then again lost it to a hectic month of March – where I lost it again. So it has been almost 6 months of being away from my steady practices. I gravitated away from intense practices back to healing practices. I don’t play the Shakuhachi regularly and I feel empty.

April was a most difficult and unpleasant month.

Depression was constantly present and aspiring to consume my emotional body. It did once when I was younger. This time it didn’t. I wasn’t really threatened by it. Years of Yoga helped me to recognize that I am riding a wave that will eventually pass. I didn’t attach to  or identify the depression as “myself”. It would pass and I would remain. This awareness didn’t make feel any better – but it definitely kept from feeling any worse. It was like being in a midst of a storm with a confident awareness that this storm, like all storms, will pass.

Another difficulty I experienced in April was asthma. I was very asthmatic for all of of my childhood and teen-years. It magically vanished when I entered my 20’s and hasn’t effected me since. April brought back breathing experiences I had not known in over 15 years. On more then one night I would lie in bed with an itching chest & back, with a trumpet like wheezing from my chest and finding it very difficult to breath in. I am thankful that I was able to be present in it and go through it with soft patience and no medication.

As I write these words a thought came to me. The disappearance of asthma coincided with my period of deep depression. In retrospect I recognize this period as a period of emancipation, of violently breaking free from a the grip of so much about life that I didn’t like. I was depressed but I was also free. So it makes sense that my asthma receded (that probably deserves a separate post). It’s reappearance confirms my experience of struggling to regain my sense of presence.

April had a defining event – a very painful and difficult experience. Shahar invited me to partake in a studio session that was to be a preparation for our next performance. The previous performance (one of the “hectic March” events) was mostly an unpleasant experience for me – so I had doubts about partaking in the next performance. I spent the entire week debating if I would join the session – and though I wanted to go very much it was up in the air until I packed all my stuff and drove (it was a Saturday, so there wasn’t any public transportation) to the studio. As I was preparing my camera’s wireless setup connection to a computer – I encountered difficulties. The camera was malfunctioning. I felt anger brewing deep inside and called on all my internal skills to remain calm and accepting and focused on getting it to work – this went on for almost 2 hours. When I realized it was a hardware problem (the camera’s USB port wasn’t functioning) – I gave up. One time I picked up the camera to just join the space as is – and I was held back by fear and doubt. It felt like a cosmic slap on my face. Coming all this way (physically, mentally, emotionally) only to be stopped dead in the tracks. It was the last thing I wanted, the last thing I expected, the last thing I was ready for. It left me hurt. Shahar called me as I was driving home (I left in between sessions without saying goodbye) – and I couldn’t answer – seeing his name on the phone screen brought me to tears. A couple of days later he called again – and hearing his voice brought me to tears again. We talked after more then two weeks.

April has a second defining event. This time it was with Yoav – a close friend with whom I share an intense and friction-filled relationship. Yoav is a Buddhist immersed in the world of business. I am immersed in my own spiritual pursuit. I urged Yoav to watch the movie Zeitgeist – when he finally did he sent me what felt to me like an aggressive, condescending email preaching to me in the spirit of “open your eyes and appreciate all that life has given you”. My usual response to these communications from Yoav is a period of (few days/weeks/months) silence – until I can again embrace him. This time I attacked – sharply, intensly and personally. Now we are again in a period of silence.

This entry was posted in About, Myself. You are welcome to read 10 comments and to add yours


  1. carmen
    Posted July 7, 2010 at 6:54 pm | Permalink

    I found your blog while I was reading Andreea's wonderful blog. She is an amazing person, trying to help everyone with an advice, with love and caring. I'm intending to ask her for some medical advices… Congratulations for your half 🙂

    I read also some of your articles. Is very touching your sincerity and how you are struggling to find yourself.

    Did you see "What the bleep do we know down the rabbit hole"? I warmly recommend to you, to both of you 
    Helped me to understand myself better, to evaluate myself and the social matrix around me, to evaluate.

    Warm wishes,

    • Posted July 7, 2010 at 4:24 pm | Permalink

      Hello Carmen,

      Thank you very much for taking the time to visit both websites. Andreea & I are grateful for your comment.

      As for the struggling – for me it's more about struggling not to look too hard, to remember it's here & now.

      We've seen the movie "Bleep". If you liked it, I think you may also enjoy this movie – available online – also inspiring, very educational and very grounded! http://www.feminitate.org/2010/04/noua-biologie-u

      All Things Good

      • carmen
        Posted July 8, 2010 at 7:01 am | Permalink

        I already did it  couple of years ago. Inspires me and helped me in my personal and also professional life.
        As the time past, I understood that is not at all a coincidence when you meet/find people having same questions and same answers as you, and hear that the same movies and books inspires them either. Is the same energy over there. Linked.
        First thing that I keep my attention on your blog was a Miyamoto Musashi quotation. Probably are few people who read that book and get inspired…

        Also, is not at all a coincidence that I found Andreea’s blog twice. And I was both times impressed for professionalism and also carrying. For me, she is a wonderful, strong woman.

  2. carmen
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 7:02 am | Permalink

    Let me explain.
    Tough sounds so technical, far from me to be disrespectful, I love people and I love helping them, this is why I choose my profession.
    For me, people are divided in three categories and these are: fighters, defeated and vegetables. Winners does not exists, is a none-sense. Fighters can be strong or can be weak. They are still fighters, no giving up, but weak.
    Which is the difference between strong and week fighters? The strongest ones are well-centred, the weaker ones are not. The strongest ones can’t be disturbed. “The silence of a lake can be disturbed by a little stick?”
    And this emotional-centred state, this silence, this equilibrium can be granted by a unique aspect but with huge impact. Named Love.
    Strong fighters are powerful but in the same time very loving persons. Firm, exigent, but kind.
    There is where I want to climb. I’m working with myself day by day to love. Everything. Everything .

    • iamronen
      Posted July 10, 2010 at 7:51 am | Permalink

      I find it hard to relate to ideas that start with "For me, people are divided in three categories" – that is, in my mind, a generalization that creates a false sense of truth and understanding and more importantly blinds me from seeing individuals for what they are. This is why I prefer teaching one-on-one over group classes – I prefer relating to specific needs.

      I can easily relate to the idea of fighters – but I prefer the word Warriors. It is a word that I carry around with a lot – but I haven't yet found a space to express my feelings about it. It is a tricky word because it has so many existing interpretations – that I feel it needs to be either used with are or even to remain unspoken. Better to be a warrior then to talk about it 🙂

      What is your profession?

  3. carmen
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 7:02 am | Permalink

    When we are strong but we forget to love, we became greedy. Greedy of emotional dominance, greedy of vanity or worst, greedy of money. And in this point we became weeks .
    And we have to start again and again until we got the idea.
    Wonderful circle, isn’t it?

    Anyway, in this world of the 21st century, we better be strong fighters . And this can be done by asking ourselves over and over again and struggling to answer, passing the past and forgiving, finding and defining ourselves, knowing and accepting ourselves. All these can be done only with lot of work with our inner self, with caring and love.
    2 weeks ago I found a wonderful poem that defines in shorter words and more beautiful, what I said before.

  4. carmen
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 7:05 am | Permalink

    The Paradoxical Commandments
    by Dr. Kent M. Keith
    *Known as “Anyway” by Mother Theresa – she hung a copy of this poem on a wall of the orphanage she founded in Calcutta

    People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centred.
    Love them anyway.

    If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
    Do good anyway.

    If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
    Succeed anyway.

    The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
    Do good anyway.

    Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
    Be honest and frank anyway.

    The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
    Think big anyway.

  5. carmen
    Posted July 8, 2010 at 7:05 am | Permalink

    People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs.
    Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

    What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
    Build anyway.

    People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
    Help people anyway.

    Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
    Give the world the best you have anyway.

    You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
    It was never between you and them anyway.

    Warm wishes,

2 Trackbacks

  • By Myself – May 2010: Settle | iamronen on June 20, 2010 at 7:45 am

    […] I could feel myself moving towards better and leaving the house would have taxed me and probably set me back again. It wasn’t a difficult choice – but it did have it’s own resonance. First there […]

  • By Yoga Sutra – Chapter 4 Sutra 34 | iamronen on July 5, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    […] caring relative who was worried about me / for me. She was referring to an unpleasant period I had gone through recently. She asked if I considered seeking professional/medical help and suggested that medication may be […]

Leave a Reply