Myself – May 2010: Settle

May was mostly about rounding corners and shedding extremes. Emotionally it was a bland month. Depression had moved on, and in it’s place was a feeling of emptiness, lack of motivation to be or to do. Which seems to have been the right thing for me. I spent more time resting, staring out the window in the mornings … I occasionally visited my  Yoga mat for short practices. There wasn’t yet any steadiness … but there was much less unsetadiness.

I made a conscious choice to move as little as possible, I didn’t leave the house unless I had to (once a week shopping for food). In the mornings I would sit next to the big window in our livng room – and look outside. We had some of the best weather in the year and yet I didn’t go outside to sit on the porch. I would ask myself “Would you prefer to sit outside?” and the answer was constantly “No, I’d rather be inside.”.

My choice not to move also led to the defining event of May – my sister’s birthday. My parents invited us to join them for a typical family celebration. Andreea chose to go, I chose not to. It wasn’t a stubborn choice, I considered the invitation and felt that it was better I didn’t. I could feel myself moving towards better and leaving the house would have taxed me and probably set me back again. It wasn’t a difficult choice – but it did have it’s own resonance. First there was my parents who were offended by me – but I have grown used to that. I try to communicate my reasoning when possible – but my reasoning mostly does’t make sese to them. There was more difficulty in the fact that Andreea chose to go without me. This put her in the center of our family frictions. We felt this in the days before she went to my parents.

My sister seemed fine with this. She came to visit us soon after and we enjoyed a pleasant weekend together.

These words were written well into the month of June – so I can say without a doub that my choices were to good effect.