“[Duke] Ellington never let you forget that music was his profession. On the other hand, the popular vision of Coltrane is that he seemed to ask you, repeatedly, to alter your life.”
Ben Ratliff

Coltrane: The Story of a Sound

Sick yet again


I was sick yet again. I am usually sick once every 3 or 4 years. Now I’ve been sick twice in 5 months. That’s too frequent. It confirms my general feeling that my reserves have been used up and its time to focus once again on collecting myself … on establishing myself firmly (once again) in energetic health (of the kind that supported me throughout these recent years of intense transition). Fortunately spring seems to have come early, the temperatures are quickly rising (and its becoming easier to supplment the room quickly with comfortable heat) and I now have a decent enough floor space to actually get to work (with some Cikitsa practice leading into Raksana). I am looking forward to it.

This illness originated with Andreea – she caught some kind of cold and it seemed I picked it up from her. My symptomes started in my throat but quickly dissipated and became an overall tension in my body. For a short while it threatened to compromise my breathing … but it didn’t. It seemed to settle in my mind and in my lower back.

My mind was an amazing experience … I went through a distinct process over 4 or 5 sleepless nights. During the first night my mind seemed to be grasping at … trouble. I could not and cannot recall what occupied it, I can say that every thought unraveled into a sense of confusion, everything seemed complicated, unpleasant and insurmountable. Yet my mind was jumping from one such situation to another as if addicted … unreleneting. It only stopped when the night passed and I moved back into conscious waking. The second night was similar but felt less violent, less obsessive. The third night my mind was still jumpy as hell but it was closer to my waking consciousness … it was preoccupied with small things that are actually … on my mind. It did so of its own accord and did not want to stop (these are not critical problems, but issues that I am patiently carrying with me and deliberating as solutions come to me). During the fourth night I experienced a few islands of rest and by the fifth night those islands had grown to … continents.

On an almost parallel track a strain developed in my lower back. It isn’t in my spine, it is in the ligaments that stretch from the spine to the pelvic bowl. Generally it seems that stretching creates a tension, that tension can quickly be aggrevated into pain if I demand any weight-bearing effort from it. Folding my legs and lying on my side generally seemed to bring comfort. Lifting my head too high (on more then one thin pillow) hurt, lying on back and arching my back was impossible. It hurt more in the evenings. Andreea treated it once with magnesium salts … and it seemes to bring some relief. There is still discomfort in the area … walking too much aggrevated it, but it is getting better.

I am not experiencing any kind of learning this time. It is a clearl reminder that I am spent … and its time to change that.



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