“Tonight in your dreams you must look at your hands.”
Carlos Castaneda

Journey to Ixtlan

Sending Women Away

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I am writing this primarily with Annelieke in heart and mind.

I talked to Andreea today. I was curious to hear about the Fairy Godmothers weekend. She was curious to hear about Portugal.

During the last part of the conversation Andreea brought up the subject of my relationship with Annelieke and my relationships in general. The context, she made direct and clear at the end of the conversation, was my well being, her wanting to see me happy. She drew a picture in which I sent Annelieke to make a home for herself, that I did not choose to go there and make a life with her … to create a home together. As I understand it, Andreea is coming from a story in which we are creators of our world … in this case … I am creating a world in which I end up alone (to simplify: I sent Andreea away, and now I am sending Annelieke away).

I shared with her, what I also shared with Annelieke and Iulia … that right now the existence that most resonates with me is that which lives inside you. I don’t mean that as an escape. That is my current experience. I don’t feel there is a place for me in the world. I feel I have tried to introduce myself to the world and to make myself available in many ways … and that hasn’t yielded fruits (yet). I don’t feel that I have the ability/energy to carve out a place in the world for myself. I haven’t encountered a space / place / context that inspired me to challenge these perceptions. What I do have is these few intimate relationships where I am me, I am welcomed as I am, I am cared for, I am listened to, I become a part of something … and that is further amplified when the people in these relationships, you, reach out into the world and touch others.

But … I agreed with her … kind of. Saying I sent Annelieke away to make a home for herself in Portugal is technically correct, but not a complete picture. For me, it would be like saying I threw salt away … without pointing out that I did that into a pot of cooking soup to bring out its flavors. However, having cleared that up, I am not dismissing what Andreea is trying to communicate to me. The thing is that she wasn’t able to help me through to make it relevant or actionable. She boiled it down to simplistic questions like (and I’m recalling them … so certainly not precisely) “Do I want Annelieke as a life partner?” or “What do I want for myself in life?”.

The first question I can’t answer. I don’t know what life-partner is. I don’t think Andreea assumes it as a simplistic and obvious term. I am assuming that she is asking it from her own current experience with Mihaela (I chose not to inquire too deeply because that was not what Andreea was trying to give me … I felt that approaching the conversation with an analytical knife would have undermined her gift to me). It did become clear as we were talking that she isn’t hinting at one person that can fulfill everything. It could, for example, be a non-sexual, purpose related relationship. So I don’t know. I DO know that I am interested in definitions. I do know that I am interested in tasting and choosing, tasting and choosing again and again … and allowing myself to arrive at something that I want. I understand that if one believes in, for example, psychology, that one could argue that in “allowing experience to unfold” I am actually allowing unconscious fears and inhibitions to shape / limit my life. I’m not going there.

The second question was more penetrating. It, had a clear answer … well two clear answers. The first answer was that I cannot see into “life” … one day at a time is a capacity that currently works for me. So in that context what I know RIGHT NOW is the last “formula” that led me to a peaceful existence (I have been out of touch with it for a month … so I have yet to confirm that it is still relevant): getting up in the morning, reading with a tea, practicing and having a late breakfast … and hopefully with something meaningful to engage after that for whatever remains of the day. Andreea insisted I look further … and I did … and there was the second clear answer. I don’t want to be … BUT … I don’t want to get into that. So the question isn’t very useful for me.

The context was Andreea caring for me. She said that saying those things to me is progress … that in the past she wasn’t able to do so without echoing her own fears … that she is glad she can finally share this with me. I am grateful for this potential and for what she shared with me. However it left me feeling heavy and disassociated. I had to take some silent time to settle.

Mostly I wanted to communicate this to Annelieke: it may look like I am throwing salt … but I AM trying to cook a good soup.

 

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