“The music is in effect telling us about a future existence in which love and cooperation have replaced strife and oppression. Once we have achieved a glimpse of that future state, our present mode of life becomes increasingly intolerable: who could be satisified with prison after having breathed the sweet air of true freedom?”
Frank Kofsky

Coltrane: The Story of a Sound

Moving into Femininity


Yesterday was an International Women’s Day and I had hoped to publish this post to acknowledge it – but life had other plans. Still, a day late, I offer it in the context of a great feminine power.

Our move to Romania was a change in many ways but to me the most interesting aspect was the move into a feminine energy. This movement began during our last year in Israel and, of all things, around the issue of money. I made at first a silent wish and then a vocal one to distance myself from money – I want to have as little as possible to do with money. Money makes me uncomfortable, I feel as if I don’t understand it and I am very critical of the parts of it that I do understand. I also believe that this harsh relationship with it harms our financial well-being. So I want to distance myself from it and to give myself a chance to get a fresh perspective on it.

But for me to get away from it Andreea had to agree to take over in my place. At first she was hesitant but then something changed and she embraced it passionately. She started paying at the supermarket and paying our bills and she needed to know more or less what was happening in our bank account. I began to withdraw. When we went shopping I didn’t reach for my wallet and I forwarded all of our bills to Andreea.

But it wasn’t a complete nor a smooth process. Both of us were used to me handling our financials. I was used to doing it and I was comfortable knowing I was doing it with my usual order and thoroughness. I was also comfortable knowing that she was not involved in it – our past experience showed that she was irresponsible with money and so I didn’t trust her to be able to do it. Andreea is also way more messy then me – she can easily lose the bills instead of paying them.

While in Israel we both lived in a world where I was dominant. In many ways Andreea joined my bubble of existence. When we moved to Romania that all changed abruptly. The language barrier (I don’t speak Romanian) immediately forced things away from me and towards Andreea. We moved into a life dominated by her.

A part of me is thrilled about the change. I am no longer in the driver seat – someone else is driving and I can now look at the view instead of at the road. But is still isn’t a smooth process. Money flows away from Andreea faster then it does from me. She is still messy – just the other day she went to pay one of our bills and took the wrong one (and couldn’t find the right one). All this is to say that I want to enjoy the view but I am still not confident in her driving so there is a tension in me – I am still glimpsing in the rear-view mirrors and still stepping down on the floor of the car on an imaginary break.

Now it isn’t just with money – it’s everything. We have so much work to do with building our house. I am learning tons of new things in English but then Andreea has to also learn them and then translate them into Romanian so that she can make inquiries with local suppliers and professionals with whom I cannot communicate. We are also doing things that have never been done in Romania … and it all falls on her shoulders. Just last week we started negotiations to buy the land that we already call our home – it was completely hers.

… and she is still messier then I … and slower then I … and … oh so very different then me … and sometimes that drives me crazy … which is how I am learning to appreciate the qualities of femininity.

I am  learning that it isn’t enough to simply hand the keys over to her – that unless I do so with clear intention and faith in her I am going to be worst off then before – in my mind I will still be trying to steer and break – only without a steering wheel in my hands and without a break pedal under my foot. I can easily slip into a constant state of distrust toward her – and that would be a terrible loss. I am learning that being in the passenger seat is not a passive place but another kind of active place – I am now free to support and guide her in any way I can and to do so with complete faith (sometimes blind faith) in her better judegement.

where male will push female will wait
where male will demand female will inquire
where male will force female will contemplate
where male will judge female will embrace
where male will be arrogant female will be humble
where male will be insistent female will be patient
where male will be agitated female will be settled
where male will be forceful female will be soft
where male will be angry female will be understanding
where male will be confused female will be curious
where male will be doubtful female will have faith

As our life moves into her bubble of existence we are both experiencing friction. Where once male was dominant now female is dominant. It is a huge change. It is a beautiful change. It is magical for me to witness time and again the direction that her female qualities take us, which my male qualities may have completely missed. It is inspiring for me to witness her learn and grow into this new dominant role – is isn’t so much that we have moved into a new bubble because she is creating this new bubble as we go.

It is a daily practice of faith for me to witness her movements, to feel my objections and then to find my back to patience and support. I am starting to see that female energy is awakening for both of us. Her female energy grows by moving outward. My female energy grows by moving inward. Both are happening because (in part) my male energy cannot interfere.

Maybe instead of celebrating a International Women’s Day we should be celebrating an International Feminine Day? Our personal life is moving in a direction full-of-wonder thanks to the appearance of female energy  – I would be happy to see this kind of energy spread throughout our currently male-dominated world.  Is isn’t necessary for women to replace men (which often leads to women sacrificing their female energy for male energy) – it is necessary to reign in male energies and give rise to female energies.

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One Trackback

  • By Her Pace | iamronen on May 29, 2011 at 8:11 am

    […] Logical arguments can be either way – so there isn’t really an intellectual resolution to make. Instead it is simply a choice – and I choose to embrace her pace. […]

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